So… There this really cute exchange student at
my school and two days ago he smiled at me while greeting one of his friends
that was with me (another exchange student), well, no one EVER smiled at me
that way, and being hopelessly romantic (and hopelessly desperate for
affection) I started to fall for him, like in 48h hours I became completely obsessed
over him, and my friends all just got really excited, because it’s the first
time I felt this way towards someone real, that really could be with me, and it
was so strange, they all kept saying that he was looking at me at breaks and I
caught him looking my way once or twice, so this whole romance story just began
to grow in my head, and it was driving me crazy, like all the love songs make
sense now, and my heart will explode, it was the most… HORRIBLE FEELING EVER!!!
Jesus I know I’m like super romantic and rainbows, butterflies and shit but OMG
this was too much even for me!
When I got home I was still a bit like this,
but in the shower it’s like all the love washed away and I began thinking
properly… I don’t know ANYTHING about this guy, not even his fucking name! How
can I be supposedly so madly “in love” with someone if I never heard them talk
in the first place? ‘Well maybe I’m in love with his looks’ I thought, but am I
such a superficial person? No that wasn’t it, but then I remembered, the smile, I was in love with his smile,
with that little display of affection that I may have completely misunderstood
kept me in this dreamy state for two whole days, I mean I have like zero self
esteem, the fact that someone could show such a perfect smile just to me was
just too overwhelming, because it goes against my every belief, so I didn’t
fall for him, probably if he hadn’t smiled I wouldn’t even remember him, but
that smile and all the looks after that just kept feeding feeling that weren’t
really there in the first place…
So to conclude, what I was feeling was just a
selfish love, in fact I can’t even call that love, let’s say infatuation, it
was a selfish infatuation instead of the real thing, I saw what I wanted to
see, and I was idealizing a whole person that doesn’t really exist, and that’s
really selfish of me to use him for that, and it’s not healthy at all!
So that’s all for now, see you guys later!
Kisses,
Nana
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