Hey minna!
Sorry I
didn’t write anything yesterday, but I was just too tired to do any of that.
I went to a
3B lesson with my friend Suu, it was very intense, my arms are dead! (and it’s
a class to work the legs! xD)
But that’s
not what I’m here to talk about. I’m here to talk about a really fucked up
feeling called loneliness. I’ve been feeling SO lonely lately, even if all my
friends are single too, even if I’m being stupid, and selfish, and thinking
more of me than what I should, it’s what I feel at the bottom of my heart.
I want to
hold someone in my arms, I want to be hugged, to be kissed, I want someone to
whisper sweet words on my ear, even just a pat in the head would be fine. When
my friends hug me I feel so secure and happy, I want to feel that all the time
with my loved one!
But… How
can I love and be loved hating me so much? I despise me, I look at the mirror
and I see a stranger, an ugly, more, a disgusting body, and I want to rip it apart,
bit by bit with my nails, see what’s underneath, see the real me, the me that I
will love, the that will be loved!
How can a
person who thinks that of herself love others? How can she be loved by someone?
I never truly loved someone, hell, not even a real crush, in sixteen years of
existence for fuck’s sake!!! And NO ONE EVER had a crush on me, or something
like that, I just know it for sure! Well, who would, I’m a freaking freak of
nature, tall as a tower, fat as a pig, I’m hateful, even my personality is
overly childish, which in me is just gross. Boys and girls want someone cute
and small to cuddle with, not a fat tower!
I always
hear stuff like:” There are people with every kind of taste” or “Don’t be a
pussy, you’re still young” blah, blah, blah!
I need
someone now! I need someone to ease the pain, no, the emptiness, the hole, the
numbness inside my chest.
In the end
I’m just a coward little girl who is afraid of dealing with life and getting
out of her comfort zone and DO something useful!
I’ll end
your pain here, see ya next week.
Nana
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